FULL TERM..This Time Around as a "STM"

If any of you have ever joined a pregnancy app or forum, the first time you log on you almost need an interpreter with all the abbreviations these moms use.  FTM, STM, TTC, LO, DH...the list goes on and on. When I was pregnant with Briggs, after a few weeks and a lot of google searches, I finally caught on to the lingo- usually pretty easy to figure out. In this instance, STM simply means Second Time Mom.

So as a STM at 38 weeks, I am at a totally different place than I was as a "FTM". At 37 weeks with Briggs, I was miserable. Looking back now, it was completely mental. I am still feeling all the physical ailments I did last time- but I'm embracing it and letting my body do its work. As a FTM, I was not used to Braxton Hicks contractions. I thought every time they started up again, I was going into labor. That is...until real labor began. When my sister asked me how to tell the difference in contractions, I told her BH contractions were like thunder and true contraction were lightning. You can certainly tell the difference.

Now I sit here and trust my body. My birth plan this time around is to go all natural- no epidural. However, I am a sound believer on doing what is best for the baby. If an epidural or even a c-section is best, I trust the Lord that He will lead us in the right direction to deliver a sweet healthy baby- because after all, isn't this our ultimate goal?

For the record though, the latest labor update at 37.4 which was my last OB check-up, I am dilated to 2 and 50% effaced. The baby could decide to put me into active labor like... now or 3 weeks from now. Either way, its okay. I have a toddler dressed as a lion to take to soccer class right now. I'm certainly not twiddling my thumbs.

Baby 2, whenever you are ready to make your debut, we are too. Until then, your brother has some "roaring" to do.

P.S. Baby, please don't be mad if your nursery isn't complete yet- we have a whole house we are still unpacking. I promise you will have a warm place to sleep. <--This is another example of the STM mindset I have learned to accept. Love is enough.

Carry Me Through

Just a word of warning: this post was very difficult for me to write and perhaps difficult for others to read. I almost didn't post it but I wanted to be truthful in what I went through and maybe even bring some awareness to my situation. Also, I think I needed to post it for acceptance- of myself.

I was blessed with a very healthy pregnancy. I thought the toughest part about having a baby would be getting the baby out. Honestly, labor was not the most physically difficult thing I have dealt with before. I wouldn't say it was a walk in the park, but it was much more tolerable than I had expected. However, I never expected postpartum recovery to be so difficult. Before explaining my pp complications, I would first like to point out how THANKFUL I am that Briggs was born such a healthy boy. He has adjusted at home like a champ. So that was my first priority. So now it was time to get his mommy healthy.

The first few days of recovery were fairly normal. I was in some pain, but the meds helped and I was just physically exhausted...which was to be expected. Then on Day 4 of postpartum, water started tasting a little funny to me. Water shouldn't have a taste, right? I didn't think much of it. I just assumed it was a side effect from my medicine. So that evening, I took a nap while Briggs was napping. When I woke up about an hour later, I experienced one of the scariest moments of my life. My sister and Ryan had ordered us sushi. When I went to take a bite, I couldn't taste anything on the left side of my tongue. Then I realized my face felt funny. So I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was horrified to discover that the entire left side of my face was paralyzed. I could still feel it, but I couldn't move it. I thought I had had a stroke. I immediately called the OB on-call. I was hysterical. She told me it was most likely postpartum bells palsy. It was not a stroke. And MOST LIKELY I would get function of my face back. Wonderful. She prescribed some steroids and referred me to an ENT.

Sunday Night

Tuesday Night

The next two weeks were emotionally very confusing. On one hand, it was the happiest time of my life but on the other hand I was humiliated to show any kind of emotion in my face because that would only enhance the appearance of my paralysis. It was difficult to eat. I slurred when I talked. I could only drink through a straw. I was so ashamed for Ryan to even look at me. I had an MRI done just to rule out a tumor. Luckily, no tumor. I have been in and out of doctors appointments to monitor progress and to make sure it actually was bells. Praise the Lord, I am happy to say that I almost symptom free now after 2.5 weeks. I still have weakness on my left side, but most people probably wouldn't be able to tell. The worst symptom now is that my left eye is so dry still, I have to wear glasses all the time. (I'm afraid Briggs won't recognize me once I can wear contacts again.)

Why did I get this? The ENT doctor told me it was a freak thing. The pregnancy related bells is more common in women who are in their third trimester. Then there is a very tiny percentage who get it postpartum.  She said it could be due to stress and inflammation. The way to fight it is by taking steroids (sorry Briggsy boy if you become a meat head in your teenage years) and...time. I know it may sound like I am being completely vain, and I have realized that perhaps I need to reevaluate this weakness in my life. However, it was so difficult to wonder if Briggs would ever see me smile, or if Ryan would ever be able to look at the woman he married ever again. Would I ever be able to invite my friends over and hang out without feeling ashamed or trying to hide my face?

I sent up so many prayers trying to accept whatever fate God had in store for me. Finally, as I lifted my troubles to Him, my face slowly began to heal. Now I am able to go out in public again (besides doctor appointments). Briggs and I took our first trip to the gym this week. We were able to walk a mile around the indoor track. I also went out to lunch with Briggs and my real estate team for one of their birthdays. I am starting to feel like myself again. For the few of you who knew, thank you for your prayers. For the majority of you who did not know, I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I wasn't ready to face the truth about my condition. I know that you all would have accepted me and loved me with open arms...I just had to figure out how to do that for myself. I am blessed beyond measure for my friends, family and my Lord for carrying me through.

This is how He helped carry me through:

37 Week Update

Yesterday Friday Janury 6 at 37.3 weeks I went in for my 37 week appointment. Baby is head down still and fairly low. I'm at 1 cm dilation and 25% effaced.

I feel like this is pretty good progress considering I'm a first time mom. I am at the point where I am having contractions all the time but not enough to be considered active labor. I really have not been feeling well but I know the end is in sight.

A good night's sleep is becoming more and more difficult. Many of the reasons are physical pains and aches but another reason is the anticipation that each new day could be the day. It's like being a little kid on Christmas Eve and you are so excited you can't sleep...now imagine that anticipation every night because you're not quite sure when Christmas day will arrive.

I know BB Robinson will come in God's time. I just keep praying for patience for me and a safe arrival for him.

Indomitable Glee

33 weeks and 6 days Check-In:

I am sitting here at the office trying to be as proactive as possible before I take time off to have this little guy. Business is starting to pick up and a baby is on the way. In my current state, any woman who is trying to carry on with her pre-pregnancy daily grind is in all honesty, a superwoman. My mind and my drive are the same but my body puts up an epic battle every time I try to go back to my old Tasmanian Devil-like tornado ways. 

My Current Symptoms:

• Fatigue...all the time. However, I have a hard time sleeping. This makes so much sense.
• Brain Cloud- I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed but seriously, thanks to those wonderful pregnancy hormones, my brain is in a constant fog. I think I will shock the office when I come back to work without being pregnant. They will realize how much of a non-airhead I truly am.
• Hip Pain-It get's worst by the day too. Sometimes at night I think I truly cannot take another step because my joints are so loose and painful that my hips are going to break like I'm a 95-year-old woman.
• Leg Cramps-At least once a week, I wake up crying from the most painful Charlie Horse...poor Ryan probably thinks I'm having labor pains.
• Indomitable Glee- You could wrap all of these negative side-effects into one and multiply it and I would still have a wonderful day. It's something more than just being happy. It's pure joy. Even if I am not talking about the baby, he is on my mind. My heart is in a constant state of a beaming smile. I see the world so much more optimistically. Every time the baby kicks me in the rib, it may be uncomfortable (he is VERY strong at this point), but I just look at it as God telling me he loves me. Ha. So cheesy, I know but isn't that what motherhood is all about? I feel as though I am truly a soldier of the Lord carrying on part of His higher purpose. It is the most magical feeling in the world. Carrying your child is truly a gift from the Lord. 

To wrap it up, I was watching the Preacher's Wife the other night. This is one of my all-time favorite movies with one of my all-time favorite women, my Whitney. (Whitney Houston- who I named my childhood puppy after.) I am a hormonal mess as it is, but it got me thinking of this song which took me over the edge. If I could put a message in a bottle for my little one to read right now it would say this: